25 Terrible Decisions People Make in Horror Movies
Welcome to An Unsupervised Genius investigation into why nobody simply leaves!
Horror movies have taught us many important things.
Never trust a doll.
Never read Latin aloud.
Never buy a house with a suspiciously affordable price.
And if somebody says:
“We should split up.”
That person is no longer in charge of strategy.
But perhaps the greatest mystery in horror isn't ghosts.
Or vampires.
Or zombies.
Or why every abandoned psychiatric hospital apparently still has electricity.
It's this:
WHY DO HORROR MOVIE CHARACTERS MAKE SUCH TERRIBLE DECISIONS?
You hear scratching from the basement?
Investigate.
Find a mysterious book covered in warnings?
Open it.
Discover an ancient burial ground underneath your new house?
Stay.
Car won't start while something approaches?
Turn the key another 47 times.
So, in the interests of public safety, cinematic criticism and unnecessary research, we've compiled:
25 Terrible Decisions People Make in Horror Movies
Think of it as a survival guide...
written by everyone who didn't survive.
1. INVESTIGATING THE NOISE
THUMP.
Character:
“Did you hear that?”
Yes.
Everyone heard it.
The audience heard it.
Whatever made the noise knows you heard it.
There is absolutely no requirement to investigate.
Yet inevitably:
“I'll go check.”
Why?
What possible outcome are we hoping for?
BEST CASE:
Nothing.
WORST CASE:
The remaining 94 minutes of the movie.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
You do not need closure on every unexplained sound.
Sometimes ignorance is survival.
2. SAYING “HELLO?” INTO A DARK ROOM
This deserves its own category.
You've heard something.
You suspect someone may be inside your house.
So naturally you announce:
“HELLO?”
Excellent.
If nobody is there, you've achieved nothing.
If somebody is there...
you've helpfully revealed your location.
Why stop there?
Perhaps shout:
“I'M UNARMED AND APPROACHING SLOWLY.”
BETTER OPTION:
Remain quiet.
Assess.
Get somewhere safe.
Your presence does not require a press release!
3. SPLITTING UP
There are six people.
Something dangerous is hunting them.
Someone says:
“We'll cover more ground if we split up.”
Technically correct.
You'll also provide six smaller appointments for the monster.
There is safety in numbers.
There are witnesses.
People can help each other.
But no.
Let's send Jennifer alone into the basement.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
Anyone suggesting the group split up has forfeited voting rights.
4. GOING INTO THE BASEMENT
Why?
What has the basement ever done to deserve this level of confidence?
The lights don't work.
The stairs creak.
There's a suspicious smell.
The previous owner refuses to discuss it.
Something has scratched:
GET OUT
into the wall.
Character:
“I should probably have a look around.”
No.
You shouldn't.
GENIUS RULE:
Basements are perfectly acceptable during daylight hours when looking for Christmas decorations.
At 2:13am after hearing chanting?
Christmas can wait.
5. READING THE CURSED BOOK ALOUD
You discover an ancient book.
It contains:
Unknown symbols.
Pictures of demons.
Warnings.
Possibly human skin.
Someone translates the first line:
“DO NOT SPEAK THESE WORDS.”
And then...
speaks the words.
There are moments when curiosity should be encouraged.
This isn't one of them.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
Silent reading exists.
Use it.
6. BUYING THE OBVIOUSLY HAUNTED HOUSE
Estate agent:
“The house has been empty for 27 years.”
Interesting.
Estate agent:
“Several previous owners disappeared.”
Concerning.
Estate agent:
“Locals refuse to approach after sunset.”
Very concerning.
Estate agent:
“It's $400,000 below market value.”
Character:
“WE'LL TAKE IT.”
There is a reason.
There is always a reason...
GENIUS RULE:
If a mansion costs less than a two-bedroom apartment...
Google the address.
7. BUYING THE CREEPY DOLL
Antique dealer:
“That doll isn't actually for sale.”
Character:
“Why?”
Antique dealer:
“It belonged to a child who disappeared.”
Character:
“How much?”
Stop.
Buying.
The doll.
Normal dolls already have a challenging public image.
You don't need the one stored inside a locked cabinet facing the wall.
8. KEEPING THE DOLL AFTER IT MOVES
Fine.
You bought the doll.
Mistakes happen.
Yesterday it was downstairs.
This morning...
it's sitting beside your bed.
Your response should not be:
“That's strange.”
Your response should be:
new postcode.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
Once an inanimate object demonstrates independent locomotion, the ownership agreement has changed.
The doll owns the house now.
9. FOLLOWING THE CREEPY CHILD
A mysterious child appears.
Pale.
Barefoot.
Possibly wearing clothing from 1894.
They whisper:
“Come with me.”
And somebody does.
Where exactly are you expecting this child to take you?
A café?
Mini golf?
A well-lit shopping centre?
No.
They're taking you somewhere with approximately eleven candles and no mobile reception.
GENIUS RULE:
Never accept navigation advice from children who disappear when you blink.
10. TOUCHING THE THING
Ancient artefact.
Glowing stone.
Strange liquid.
Mysterious egg.
Alien substance.
Unidentified object pulsating slightly.
Character:
touches it
Humanity has spent centuries developing scientific equipment precisely so we don't have to do this.
Use a stick.
Actually...
don't use a stick either.
Just stop touching things!
11. LOOKING UNDER THE BED
You hear breathing.
From underneath the bed.
So you slowly lower your face toward the floor.
Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Until your eyes are approximately six centimetres from whatever may be underneath.
Outstanding tactical positioning.
BETTER PLAN:
Leave the room.
The dust bunnies can handle this one.
12. OPENING THE DOOR THAT HAS BEEN SEALED FOR 100 YEARS
There's always a door.
Chains.
Locks.
Symbols.
Warnings.
Possibly an entire religious order dedicated to ensuring it remains closed.
Character:
“I wonder what's inside.”
We know exactly what's inside!
The reason they locked the door.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
Not every mystery needs solving.
Some mysteries have chains for a reason.
13. SAYING “I'LL BE RIGHT BACK”
No.
You won't.
We know it.
The other characters know it.
The soundtrack knows it.
The person operating the fog machine knows it.
There are thousands of alternative sentences available.
Try:
“I am temporarily leaving.”
Or:
“Please record the time of my departure.”
Anything.
Just not those four words.
14. RUNNING UPSTAIRS
Something enters the house.
The front door is nearby.
The character runs...
upstairs.
Wonderful.
You have escaped to a location with fewer exits.
Eventually you're standing beside a bedroom window considering whether you can survive a two-storey fall.
GENIUS RULE:
When escaping danger, choose routes that lead out.
Architecture matters.
15. HIDING IN THE WARDROBE
Monster enters bedroom.
Character hides:
☐ Under bed
☐ Behind curtain
☐ Inside wardrobe
The Big Three.
These aren't hiding places.
They're a checklist.
If monsters watched even three horror movies, they'd know this.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
Be less predictable.
Preferably by leaving the building several scenes earlier.
16. DROPPING THE WEAPON
You finally defeat the monster.
It falls.
You stare at it.
Then you...
drop the only useful weapon beside the body.
Why?
Was it rented?
Is there a late fee?
Keep it.
Maintain distance.
Do not assume the threat is over merely because the soundtrack has become quieter.
17. CHECKING WHETHER THE MONSTER IS DEAD
The monster hasn't moved for thirty seconds.
Character slowly approaches.
Closer.
Closer.
Leans over.
EYES OPEN.
Nobody is surprised.
Nobody except the character.
GENIUS RULE:
If something dangerous stops moving, this is an opportunity to create distance, not conduct a medical examination.
18. TURNING YOUR BACK ON THE MONSTER
Closely related to Number 17.
“We did it.”
Turns around.
Audience:
YOU ABSOLUTELY DID NOT.
The monster rises behind them.
At this point the monster isn't even being clever.
We're providing opportunities.
19. NOT CHECKING THE BACK SEAT
You escape.
Reach the car.
Lock the doors.
Start driving.
Relief.
Then...
two eyes appear in the rear-view mirror.
We have been making horror movies for over a century.
How are we still not checking the back seat?
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
Seat.
Seatbelt.
Mirrors.
Back seat.
Drive.
It takes seconds.
20. GOING BACK FOR THE PHONE
You've escaped the building.
You're outside.
Safe.
Then:
“My phone!”
No.
Your phone has served you well.
Remember it fondly.
Buy another one.
Do not re-enter the murder house because your battery is still at 63%.
GENIUS RULE:
Possessions are replaceable.
You are considerably more administratively difficult to replace.
21. HIDING THE BITE
Zombie outbreak.
Group member has been bitten.
They look at the wound.
They look at everyone else.
Then pull their sleeve down.
Excellent.
This always ends beautifully.
TEN MINUTES LATER:
“Is Dave okay?”
Dave is sweating.
Dave is pale.
Dave just growled at a lamp.
Dave is not okay.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
Transparency matters.
Particularly when your medical condition may eat colleagues.
22. REFUSING TO BELIEVE ANYTHING WEIRD IS HAPPENING
Lamp flies across room.
Door slams itself.
Writing appears on wall.
Person levitates.
Sceptic:
“There's probably a rational explanation.”
Possibly...
We like rational explanations.
We encourage rational explanations.
But rational thinking means updating your beliefs when new evidence appears.
At some point:
“Interesting air currents”
stops being sufficient.
GENIUS RULE:
Scepticism means demanding evidence.
It doesn't mean ignoring evidence once it starts throwing furniture.
23. SAYING “WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?”
Never ask this.
Ever.
Not in horror movies.
Not in haunted houses.
Not while holding mysterious artefacts.
The universe interprets this sentence as a creative brief.
And apparently has an excellent imagination.
ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVE:
“What is the safest and most boring possible outcome, and how do we achieve it?”
Less cinematic.
Much better survival rate.
24. NOT LEAVING WHEN THE HOUSE TELLS YOU TO LEAVE
This one is extraordinary.
Blood appears on wall:
GET OUT.
Character:
“Who wrote that?”
Does it matter?
Your house has issued instructions.
Perhaps follow them.
Doors slam.
Lights explode.
Furniture moves.
Disembodied voice says:
LEAVE.
Character:
“We can't let this scare us out of our home.”
Yes.
You can.
That's exactly what you can do.
UNSUPERVISED GENIUS VERDICT:
When the supernatural provides clear written instructions, appreciate the unusually good communication and comply.
25. SAYING “IT'S FINALLY OVER”
You've survived.
The monster is gone.
Police arrive.
Sun rises.
Music becomes peaceful.
Everyone hugs.
Then someone smiles and says:
“IT'S FINALLY OVER.”
What have you done?
You have activated the sequel.
Camera slowly pans.
Body disappears.
Eyes open.
Hand moves.
Something watches from the forest.
Cut to black.
GENIUS RULE:
When you think the horror is over...
say nothing.
Do not narrate.
Do not celebrate.
Do not tempt the screenwriter.
Get into the car.
Check the back seat.
Drive away.
Wait for the credits.
